Archive

Archive for April, 2013

Life

It is crazy how life works sometimes.

how you can meet someone that breaks your heart, and then fixes it for you. Someone you can piss off with your insecurites and fears one moment, yet tell you he likes your brand of crazy a little while later… after you’ve calmed down. Someone who has seen you in your crampy, crazy, moody week of the month and still call you sexy and gorgeous. Someone who understands your views on God, religion, and the future… and still hasn’t run off.

someone who lives in another country, and you can’t figure out when/how you’ll end up together. someone who makes you feel like you are just crazy enough about to be willing to drop everything and fly to them… to stay with them. To take the biggest risk of all, just because it’s with them and therefore totally worth it.

It’s crazy how life can be sometimes.

Categories: Uncategorized

How to Say Goodbye

15/04/2013 1 comment

I have friends who just recently ended a year-long relationship. He had been picking out rings, she had been planning the ceremony. One day, they sat down and had a serious discussion about desires for the future and each other’s “5 year” plan. That discussion turned into a weekend, which turned into a break up. They ended it.
Did they not love each other anymore? No. They still love each other now. Did they have some sort of hurtful breaking of trust or confidence? No. Not exactly.
They broke up because their goals for the future were too different, and from where they are sitting now, they could not see a way for these differing goals to coordinate. They couldn’t exactly figure out the future, so they broke up.
My initial reaction was one of complete shock. I was stunned! They were lucky enough to even find love, a love that seemed so deep and secure, and yet they ended up separated. How? How could they bear it? How could they give it all up over something as undefined as the future? Isn’t love strong enough, good enough, just plain enough to inspire you to facedown an uncertain future with hands clasped together?
I am a romantic at heart. I try to cover it up. I try to shield my romantic and therefore sensitive heart behind “reality”, sarcasm, and a general expecting the worst so that it doesn’t hurt as much when it is all that happens. I have had enough heart breaks to know that life doesn’t always go the way you plan and dream. I’m level-headed enough to realize that no, love is not all you need.
I sort of know what it’s like… that sinking feeling of caring for someone and seeing nothing but uncertainty ahead. I am currently at the place where I have found an amazing guy, someone I am more than willing to fall completely and desperately hard after… but he lives far away. Too far for us to feel like we are an actual dating couple… yet it’s all there. The potential. The desire. Even similar goals/beliefs/dreams. We can easily envision being together, falling in love, etc. But we both know that any drastic commitments would be unwise. We need life to coordinate so that we can spend sometime being an actual, go-out-on-dates, can physically be with each other, couple. To really be with each other… make sure we really know each other. It is the one thing holding us back. Distance. Time. Life. And it is terrifying. And at times, it seems hopeless. Like life has played a cruel joke on us.
Yet, I can’t shake this hope. As realistic as I try to be, I can’t break myself from the belief that if I just love enough, hold on and hope enough, wait patiently enough… that things will coordinate and work out. I have no idea how/if/when I will be able to live near my guy. Life, currently, has being tossing the possibilities for him and I around. There have been hopeless moments, followed by moments of such clarity, certainty. And it has not been easy.
So, part of me can really understand my friend and her ex. It is terrifying, overwhelming, and defeating to look at the future and see nothing but a separation of paths. But the thing about the future is that it is fluid. Always changing, developing, and twisting the path ahead so that we can’t actually see where it’s going.
So, isn’t it giving in to defeat to give up because of the future? Isn’t that too sad, to end a love just because we aren’t God and can’t know for certain where we will go? Why do we as humans put so much stock in our own abilities to plan and formulate our futures, when the reality is the future is not something we can control or order to completion?
I just don’t know.
When do we let go, and when do we cling desperately to hope? And can love and commitment to the dream you’ve built with someone be enough to sustain a union against time, distance, and uncertainty?
Is it better to end things, and walk away… even with love still in your heart? Or will it pay off more in the end to hold on, and remain strong through the ups and downs of life until things finally sort themselves out?
When is it time to hold on and patiently wait, and when is it time to say goodbye

Categories: Uncategorized