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Nothing

You’ll probably never read this.

And it’s better that way, really. I probably should never tell you these things. I should probably not let myself feel this way. Only the end will tell.

I don’t even know how we started, or if we ever really did. You were the one who got away, and I was just an option. The only marriage-able one. 

To be honest? You weren’t much more to me at first. You were a past revisited, and a distraction from a crush that could never quite coordinate into love. I was the past, as well, and a distraction from a love you never completely gave up on. 

What we had was a weekend. A Christmas spent in the bedroom together so that neither of us had to spend it alone. It was something that could just as easily be nothing. That was the beauty of it. 

But reality, and the voice of reason… and just maybe a little of the morals we were raised to have, came crashing in. We had to scramble to make our nothing be a defined something.

I’m not sure either of us knew if we wanted that or not. We still don’t. 

At first, you were so eager. So sweet and attentive. You really seemed like you wanted it to work… you gave me hope that we could mean something, some day. 

But I was so scared, so hesitant at first. I convinced myself that I was going to end up the one hurting you… breaking your heart. 

I don’t know how it happened… but the tables turned. 

Our second weekend together came. We both were trying, both wanting something. But as the weekend drew to a close, I felt the realization wash over me… freezing me. I was deeper in than you. 

I curled in a corner of that well-used bed and watched you sleep… and cried. Cried because I clearly saw the ending. Cried because of how simply watching you sleep made me feel. Cried because I knew then that what I had taken as you “trying”, was a well-polished show that you have perfected.

The saddest thing is, you may not even know it. 

I knew then that when this ends, I would be the one with a broken heart. 

All I wanted was to get over another guy. All I wanted was to be seen as someone who was worth it. All I have ever wanted is to be good enough to be loved… not just for a while, but for all of life. 

I walked into this with my eyes wide open. I knowingly played the fool. I never wanted anything to come of this… until I did. And I’m not sure if you ever did.

But the fact is? It’s too late. 

There’s nothing left to do but watch. Watch as you drift farther away. Watch as a better option comes your way. Watch as you move across the world and I’m stuck in this place.

Because I’m too far gone to do anything to stop it. I’m too far gone to try to fight you. I’m too afraid of ruining the “nothing” we have together, for fear that it will drive you away that much sooner. 

“Everybody plays the fool sometimes. And if I have to, I don’t mind…”

But let it be known: I love you. I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know why I could be so stupid to let it. But I love you. 

You’ll move on, and find someone else. Or maybe return to that someone else. I”ll move on and go somewhere else. Maybe I’ll find someone else for me,too. 

Hopefully, you’ll never know this. hopefully, we’ll both look back at this as that one time… those two weekends. 

hopefully, you’ll be like me… and never be able to forget our two weekends. And all the nothing that we shared. 

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