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Archive for March, 2013

Nothing

You’ll probably never read this.

And it’s better that way, really. I probably should never tell you these things. I should probably not let myself feel this way. Only the end will tell.

I don’t even know how we started, or if we ever really did. You were the one who got away, and I was just an option. The only marriage-able one. 

To be honest? You weren’t much more to me at first. You were a past revisited, and a distraction from a crush that could never quite coordinate into love. I was the past, as well, and a distraction from a love you never completely gave up on. 

What we had was a weekend. A Christmas spent in the bedroom together so that neither of us had to spend it alone. It was something that could just as easily be nothing. That was the beauty of it. 

But reality, and the voice of reason… and just maybe a little of the morals we were raised to have, came crashing in. We had to scramble to make our nothing be a defined something.

I’m not sure either of us knew if we wanted that or not. We still don’t. 

At first, you were so eager. So sweet and attentive. You really seemed like you wanted it to work… you gave me hope that we could mean something, some day. 

But I was so scared, so hesitant at first. I convinced myself that I was going to end up the one hurting you… breaking your heart. 

I don’t know how it happened… but the tables turned. 

Our second weekend together came. We both were trying, both wanting something. But as the weekend drew to a close, I felt the realization wash over me… freezing me. I was deeper in than you. 

I curled in a corner of that well-used bed and watched you sleep… and cried. Cried because I clearly saw the ending. Cried because of how simply watching you sleep made me feel. Cried because I knew then that what I had taken as you “trying”, was a well-polished show that you have perfected.

The saddest thing is, you may not even know it. 

I knew then that when this ends, I would be the one with a broken heart. 

All I wanted was to get over another guy. All I wanted was to be seen as someone who was worth it. All I have ever wanted is to be good enough to be loved… not just for a while, but for all of life. 

I walked into this with my eyes wide open. I knowingly played the fool. I never wanted anything to come of this… until I did. And I’m not sure if you ever did.

But the fact is? It’s too late. 

There’s nothing left to do but watch. Watch as you drift farther away. Watch as a better option comes your way. Watch as you move across the world and I’m stuck in this place.

Because I’m too far gone to do anything to stop it. I’m too far gone to try to fight you. I’m too afraid of ruining the “nothing” we have together, for fear that it will drive you away that much sooner. 

“Everybody plays the fool sometimes. And if I have to, I don’t mind…”

But let it be known: I love you. I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know why I could be so stupid to let it. But I love you. 

You’ll move on, and find someone else. Or maybe return to that someone else. I”ll move on and go somewhere else. Maybe I’ll find someone else for me,too. 

Hopefully, you’ll never know this. hopefully, we’ll both look back at this as that one time… those two weekends. 

hopefully, you’ll be like me… and never be able to forget our two weekends. And all the nothing that we shared. 

Categories: Uncategorized

Love and Growing Up

The electricity. The tension of wondering if they even know who you are, and the thrill of the fleeting moment when your eyes meet. The longing, the magic and wonder that overwhelms your entire body as you dream of what may be… what could happen. The power, the magic that comes from that kiss that you’ve been wanting and dreaming of for weeks. The way certain songs could make you feel, the meaning they could take. The hope of what could be and how amazing it all will be… someday. 

… is there a particular age when this all disappears? I want to know the specific day and time that love loses it’s magic. If I knew that, then I could warn my little brothers and sisters. Not every kiss is going to create fireworks. Not every touch will send a thrill through your entire body. Not everyone falls into love. Love isn’t a cliff you dive off from, falling in a whirlwind of sensations and magic. 

Yet… in a way, it’d be cruel to burst that bubble. I would hate to become the mean lady to killed the dreams of every kid 13 and up around me. How else do you get through the horrors of middle school without those amazing and all-consuming first loves and crushes? What would high school be without all the ups and downs and unneeded drama of dating? 

so I guess it’s best that they don’t know… they we don’t know the specifics of when the magic dies. It’s better to embrace it fully, believing that it is the reality… the way love feels forever and ever. 

No one wants to think at 15 that they are going to end up 25 and in a relationship that is lonely, easy to fake, and decisively unmagical. 

 

Categories: Uncategorized