Home > Uncategorized > Welcome to the Circus

Welcome to the Circus

Sitting on the back porch, rocking in the rocking chair with nothing better to do, staring out at the back valley and the woods, watching the bats and lightning bugs dance with each other across the patched of clear colbalt blue in the sky… it can’t get better than this. Everything is familiar; everything is a memory. The feeling of seclusion that the trees bring felt nice as I ran down good ole Cnty Rd 78 today… better known as Fangboner Rd. The odd mixture of scented oil, litter, and musty basement comforted me as a drifted to sleep last night. Every creek of door and stair, every hum of fan and humidifier already memorized and anticipated. I listen for the sqeeking of the dryer, knowing that means someone has once again over-filled it. I hear the rattling as the humidifier kicks back on and complains about it to the old furnace. I readjust my computer as Kiki comes knocking into it, hoping to distract me from my typing so I can pet her, since my parents prefer not to.

Nothing is new, nothing surprises me. Every motion is anticipated and foreknew. It’s comfort and safety. It’s home.

Even with everyone here, and the deafening noise of 10 kids playing, laughing, and screaming together… I can still hear it. My memories of a smaller and different set of kids and teenagers running through these halls, playing games and growing up. Once vivid, these memories have long been echoes of a different life. The 8 years I spent as the only child in the house have changed these bright remembrances of times past into sad little pins that prick holes in any joy or happiness I felt, leaving even my brightest moments a little darkened by the shadows seeping through. Though filled with so much life…this house still feels like a tomb.

It’s a strange dichotomy. This house brings me so much comfort and security, at the same time making me feel a bit lonely and left behind. It’s the place I can’t wait to come back to, yet must always leave.

so how do I explain this to the ones I am leaving behind and coming back to?

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