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The Farr House

So starting tomorrow night and ending on saturday, I am moving.  For the first time ever, I will be living with people who aren’t related to me. This is both exciting and terrifying to me.  I really think this is what’s been throwing off this week.

I have done a sort of “communal living” experience through Youthworks! the summer of my sophmore year in college. The four of us who were sent to orchestrate the Social Justice/ Compassion camp in West Virginia had our own little living area where we lived together all summer. Over all, it wasn’t a bad summer, until I did something that made one of the other girls absolutely hate me. To this day, I still do not know what I did, which of course just makes/made it all worst. In my defense, I confronted her more than once, and asked her to please explain ot me what was going on so that I can try to fix/avoid doing whatever it was again. She never told me.  This followed a year in college that was awful. I had roomed with a girl that joined our group of friends at the end of the year the previous year. We had not known each other well enough, and so we really should not have been roommates. About mid October, things got weird. Three of the girls from our group of six confronted the other three and basically said we were horrible friends and people…and then they stopped hanging out with us. Further more, they began to spread rumors about us, play hateful tricks on us, take our stuff, etc. One of us shunned three left our college and went elsewhere in a month. The other had to leave after January due to moeny issues. So then there was me… I had the joy of spending the rest of the year as the focus of all of the three girls’ hate. Wonderful. It felt like junior high all ovevr again. Try as I might, I couldn’t fix/alleviate any of it… nor could I just ignore it. These people had been my close friends the year before. I can’t just give up on friends… it kills me. After that year, though… I had to choose between the pain of them and the pain of walking away from them. (They wouldn’t just let me go and ignore me. They had to keep me there to be their little scapegoat. It was awful. Girls are hateful and cruel.) So, to say that I was hyper aware of how I effected others would be an understatement. I went into my junior year feeling extremely insecure and untrusting of myself. How do I cause the people I care about the most so much pain? What do I do? I still don’t know. What I do know is that my roommate for junior year was incredible. Our friendship became such a source of healing in my life. She never complained to/about me. not even once. She was sweet, and super intelligent… and yet she treated me like I was on the same level as her. She graduated halfway through the year, and I had to find new roommates. My new roomies were just as awesome. Greatest girls ever. It was weird, because they had come to college together, and had always lived together… so it felt like I was intruding into a little family. But that was what made them so awesome. They didn’t compete for who’s better, they didn’t guilt each other or tease each other into doing things/hanging out with them. They just loved and truly cared for each other. It was awesome. A cool little family to be a part of, for sure.

So… I’m going into the Farr House with these four experiences playing on repeat in my head. It’s not that I don’t think that the people I’m going to live with are gonig to be hateful. It’s just that I still don’t know what I did to have made people react to me like they did my sophmore year/summer. What if I do whatever that was again? What if my very personality starts to drive people absolutely nuts?

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