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Sneak Attacks

I really hate it when anxiety and guilt over past wrongs comes sneaking up and tackle you, leaving you breathless and hurting.

I can’t really pin-point a trigger for this latest “episode”, which is odd. I am so very good at knowing myself and my mind. I’m really not too good at stopping myself, but it’s been a long time since the last time my anxiety crashed into me without me expecting it. I usually see it coming. I usually have this sense of tension as the inner storm builds.

It could be a culmination of things, honestly. I’m moving into my new house this coming weekend, and I just started my new job last week. Regardless, I have a feeling that there is going to be a night this week where I will be unable to sleep and/or crying into the late hours of the night.

It’s amazing the hold guilt can have on you if you just let. One small foothold, and guilt takes over. It’s incredible. so just imagine the hold it would have on you if you thought that guilt was a *good* thing, as a sort of support for your conscience. What if you had grown up believing that to not feel crippled by guilt meant that you were not at all sorry for whatever it is you had done. What if your mother had told you that? Can you just imagine the force of destruction guilt would be in your life? How crippling? When that is coupled with an anxiety disorder and a history of depression… it’s a little taste of what hell must be like.

I’ve come for far emotionally and mentally. I have experienced so much healing and growth. So it frustrates me greatly that I can still be caught off-guard like this. I know God, and I’ve read all the books about restoration and healing. I’ve prayed the prayers for deliverance, I’ve claimed outloud God’s forgiveness for my faults. I’ve told the devil multiple times that I claim the power if Jesus’ blood, which has set me free from all condemnation and released me from the control of all us except for Him. I know that God has forgiven me, and the He can still use me inspite of myself. God has even helped me to forgive the people who have hurt me. So, why am I still being attacked? Why do I still have to divert my mind from certain things in order to keep from being taken over by guilt and anxiety?

I just don’t get it. And I really don’t like myself doing these times. I hate how I start over-analyzing everything. I hate driving the people around me crazy with all my crazy. Mostly? I’m tired of it. I’m tired of feeling emotionally exhausted, yet being unable to sleep. I hate that feeling I get in my stomach of being hollow, yet all twisted up at the same time. I just hate this, and am tired of it.

I know that it will be okay. This will pass, and I’ll feel fine again. I also know that God promises “never more than we can bear”. I just wish that in all my schooling, I would have learned how to finally be free from this, for good.

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