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Archive for June, 2011

The Farr House

So starting tomorrow night and ending on saturday, I am moving.  For the first time ever, I will be living with people who aren’t related to me. This is both exciting and terrifying to me.  I really think this is what’s been throwing off this week.

I have done a sort of “communal living” experience through Youthworks! the summer of my sophmore year in college. The four of us who were sent to orchestrate the Social Justice/ Compassion camp in West Virginia had our own little living area where we lived together all summer. Over all, it wasn’t a bad summer, until I did something that made one of the other girls absolutely hate me. To this day, I still do not know what I did, which of course just makes/made it all worst. In my defense, I confronted her more than once, and asked her to please explain ot me what was going on so that I can try to fix/avoid doing whatever it was again. She never told me.  This followed a year in college that was awful. I had roomed with a girl that joined our group of friends at the end of the year the previous year. We had not known each other well enough, and so we really should not have been roommates. About mid October, things got weird. Three of the girls from our group of six confronted the other three and basically said we were horrible friends and people…and then they stopped hanging out with us. Further more, they began to spread rumors about us, play hateful tricks on us, take our stuff, etc. One of us shunned three left our college and went elsewhere in a month. The other had to leave after January due to moeny issues. So then there was me… I had the joy of spending the rest of the year as the focus of all of the three girls’ hate. Wonderful. It felt like junior high all ovevr again. Try as I might, I couldn’t fix/alleviate any of it… nor could I just ignore it. These people had been my close friends the year before. I can’t just give up on friends… it kills me. After that year, though… I had to choose between the pain of them and the pain of walking away from them. (They wouldn’t just let me go and ignore me. They had to keep me there to be their little scapegoat. It was awful. Girls are hateful and cruel.) So, to say that I was hyper aware of how I effected others would be an understatement. I went into my junior year feeling extremely insecure and untrusting of myself. How do I cause the people I care about the most so much pain? What do I do? I still don’t know. What I do know is that my roommate for junior year was incredible. Our friendship became such a source of healing in my life. She never complained to/about me. not even once. She was sweet, and super intelligent… and yet she treated me like I was on the same level as her. She graduated halfway through the year, and I had to find new roommates. My new roomies were just as awesome. Greatest girls ever. It was weird, because they had come to college together, and had always lived together… so it felt like I was intruding into a little family. But that was what made them so awesome. They didn’t compete for who’s better, they didn’t guilt each other or tease each other into doing things/hanging out with them. They just loved and truly cared for each other. It was awesome. A cool little family to be a part of, for sure.

So… I’m going into the Farr House with these four experiences playing on repeat in my head. It’s not that I don’t think that the people I’m going to live with are gonig to be hateful. It’s just that I still don’t know what I did to have made people react to me like they did my sophmore year/summer. What if I do whatever that was again? What if my very personality starts to drive people absolutely nuts?

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“…You’re neither friend nor foe…”

Hey friends.

I don’t know what’s going on inside, or why it’s happening… But  this week has been rough. My old friends Anxiety, Depression, and Guilt have showed up and seem like they are fixing to stay. I know that it’s just temporary, and I just need to stay positive until I feel better. I just hate how I treat other people when this happens. Especially since this is my last week with Chad and Jess, and they are downstairs watching Star Wars and I am up here.

Prayer would be appreciated. I’ve been watching this video on repeat because it somehow makes me feel better.

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Sneak Attacks

I really hate it when anxiety and guilt over past wrongs comes sneaking up and tackle you, leaving you breathless and hurting.

I can’t really pin-point a trigger for this latest “episode”, which is odd. I am so very good at knowing myself and my mind. I’m really not too good at stopping myself, but it’s been a long time since the last time my anxiety crashed into me without me expecting it. I usually see it coming. I usually have this sense of tension as the inner storm builds.

It could be a culmination of things, honestly. I’m moving into my new house this coming weekend, and I just started my new job last week. Regardless, I have a feeling that there is going to be a night this week where I will be unable to sleep and/or crying into the late hours of the night.

It’s amazing the hold guilt can have on you if you just let. One small foothold, and guilt takes over. It’s incredible. so just imagine the hold it would have on you if you thought that guilt was a *good* thing, as a sort of support for your conscience. What if you had grown up believing that to not feel crippled by guilt meant that you were not at all sorry for whatever it is you had done. What if your mother had told you that? Can you just imagine the force of destruction guilt would be in your life? How crippling? When that is coupled with an anxiety disorder and a history of depression… it’s a little taste of what hell must be like.

I’ve come for far emotionally and mentally. I have experienced so much healing and growth. So it frustrates me greatly that I can still be caught off-guard like this. I know God, and I’ve read all the books about restoration and healing. I’ve prayed the prayers for deliverance, I’ve claimed outloud God’s forgiveness for my faults. I’ve told the devil multiple times that I claim the power if Jesus’ blood, which has set me free from all condemnation and released me from the control of all us except for Him. I know that God has forgiven me, and the He can still use me inspite of myself. God has even helped me to forgive the people who have hurt me. So, why am I still being attacked? Why do I still have to divert my mind from certain things in order to keep from being taken over by guilt and anxiety?

I just don’t get it. And I really don’t like myself doing these times. I hate how I start over-analyzing everything. I hate driving the people around me crazy with all my crazy. Mostly? I’m tired of it. I’m tired of feeling emotionally exhausted, yet being unable to sleep. I hate that feeling I get in my stomach of being hollow, yet all twisted up at the same time. I just hate this, and am tired of it.

I know that it will be okay. This will pass, and I’ll feel fine again. I also know that God promises “never more than we can bear”. I just wish that in all my schooling, I would have learned how to finally be free from this, for good.

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