Archive for April, 2011

I Don’t Want Summer to Come.

26/04/2011 1 comment

It’s the honest truth. I am dreading summer this year.  The students in the Resource Room have a countdown to summer posted on one of the chalkboards, and every time I see it I get completely freaked out. Because as soon as summer comes, I’ll be unemployed. Again.  And that completely terrifies me.  And all people seem to be able to say is: Such is the nature of worknig in Education.  I want to punch these people. Really, Really badly. Wearing gloves covered in metal and glass spikes.

I’m already starting to freak out. How will I pay rent/utilities, the car payment, my two private loans, my 5 federal loans, for gas, groceries?? What will I do? Leech off family *yet again*? I can’t take that. I can’t.  I can not *stand* being dependant on other people, especially when those others do not have what they need, either.  The only other option? Return to Ohio. And I simply can not go back. My counselor told me that.

So… I jsut don’t even know. I hate not knowing…all this worry. I feel as though any second I’m going to burst into tears or start tearing into someone else. I vacilate from deeply depressed to insanely pissed off. Why is it that life *has* to be this way? Why was the education set up like this??  WHY?!!!

So that’s where I am right now. Terrified. Stressed out. And completely alone.

my life sucks right now, how’s yours?

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*I am about to get all serious and possibly emotional here. Be Warned.

So there is this song out there by a band called Parachute entitled “She is Love”. When I first heard the song, I thought maybe the author was describing an impossibly powerful relationship he had with what sounded to be the world’s most incredible girlfriend/wife. Luckly, I am not an idiot, so upon hearing it again…in my car…with the radio turned waay up… I finally got it. The song is talking about “love”…as in the emotional/ mental/ spiritual  state.  And my mind was blown.

I’m an emotional person. That should really come to no big surprise to the people who *really* know me. The only way to really connect with or have an effect on me is through emotion. (This explains a lot about my social retardation. but anyways…) I was raised in a godly home, so therefore proper social behavior was stressed. Emotions are to be hidden, not shown. You must always appear level-headed and unaffected. I struggled with this a lot when I was younger because I had soo many emotions and they were so big and how was I supposed to be able to *not* show them?!! I always was deeply in love with God. I wrote poems, stories, and drew pictures about it all. It was raw, uninhibited, and absolutely beautiful. Honestly, that’s pretty much the way I lived me life. My heart was not on my sleeve… it was right in my hand to be shown, shared, and thrown all over anyone who came in contact with me. But after years of my Mom’s pleadings and warning for me to restrain myself, and about 4 years of persistent and painful bullying, and around 3 years of absolute social isolation on behalf of the wonderful peers of mine at my “christian” school… I had learned to dispise this part of me above all other aspects of myself…including my obesity. (My first diet at age 8…for reference). I hated how tender my heart was, hated being so easily and badly hurt. Most of all, I hated how stupid and sensitive I was because that will always be seen as an immense weakness to be exploited by my peers. I hate my very personality. So I tried to change it, tried to shove all my emotions deep inside me, locking them into a cage where they would be contained. I withdrew from everyone, because I truly believed that who I was, in all my emotionalism and passion, was too much for anyone to ever be able to handle… and that there wasn’t enough good qualities to overpower the huge, looming monster that was my emotions. I began to lose sight of God in all this. I wanted to be close to Him… but I didn’t want to be so emotional about it. Needless to say, things were bad. But the thing about emotions and personalities is… they are naturally occuring. They are who you all, and no internal cage can ever be strong enough to hold them. They will break free, they will crash back into your heart and mind with a force. So there would be times, at my lowest, when my passion would break free. I’d feel so far from God, so broken and I swear He’d unlock the cage and *boom* I’d be overwhelmed. But stronger than any of the pain that would be released, would be love. Strong, powerful love. Love for God. Love that gave me the strength to trust and believe Him again. Love that kept me from just calling it quits.

When I am at my lowest, when I haven’t been connected with God or anyone for a while, when I feel as though there is no hope, no reason to even try anymore, Love comes crashing in. God’s love, the love of others… Love. No matter how hard I fight it, no matter how rational and controlled I try to be… Love destroys it all.

Love is the one quality of God that keeps me coming back to Him. Because I’ve messed up. I’ve wandered/walked/ran from God and all I was raised to believe, and no amount of  guilt or logic, or even fear could bring me back. But one encounter with God’s love…a single clear and raw look into His heart… and I’m ruined and violently surrendering to Him.  His love for me. His powerful, life-ruining and restoring love.

Realizing what the song by Parachute was truly about made and still makes me think about God and His love. It makes me remember all the times His love came after me, looking for this lost, confused, and completely empty heart that needed to know and feel Love again. It moves me. I don’t know anything about the band, I frankly I don’t care to. This song and all it reminds me of is enough.

I wasn’t really feeling Easter this year. You know? The air of reverence and gratitude just wasn’t hovering around me. Don’t get me wrong, I am oh so grateful for what Jesus did…what He went through. I jsut wasn’t… I don’t know. But then, as I was trying to destress by listening to music via Youtube (My listening mood was too specific for Pandora), I stumbled onto this song again. Maybe it was God, or maybe it was my own subconscious who was feeling guilty for not connecting with God like I should have this Holy Week, but this song was perfect. It’s the reminder I needed. I may not understand or like much about “religion” and “traditions” anymore… I may be disallusioned by all the bullcrap and hypocracy I’ve seen in my own life and the life of other “religious” people… but I still love God. I still need His love and presense. And I am still thankful for all He’s done for me. I just needed that reminder. 

Happy Easter! And if you’re not “feeling it” this year… look up the song She is Love by Parachute. Can’t recommend the band, neccesarily, but that song… that song can be power if you let you’re emotions and passions out of their cage for a little bit. :P

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I am a dork.

So, this funny little thing happened yesterday that I just *have* to share with the 2 of you that read this, albeit occassionally. Are you ready for this?? Here goes:

I hit a parked car yesterday. While on Jessica’s bike. I bruised to right arm (thanks, side mirror), have roadburn and a bruised shoulder bone on my left side, the first layer of skin scraped off my left kneew, and various other scratches and nicks all over my body.  *hilarious*

Honestly, you can laugh. I did, as I was washing blood and scraping gravel out of my knee. I *cracked up*. Because, honestly? Who does that?? hits a parked car? Oh Lordy!! In my defense? I was trying to avoid a moving vehicle, and the parked car was blocking my entrance to my driveway. We don’t even know who’s car it was! So.. yea. The car’s okay?? It has a stripe of residue from the handlebars on it, but I know from experience that that *totally* rubs off. To be honest? I wouldn’t have fallen if it hadn’t been for the side mirror, so *that’s* what took the brunt of my attack.

But yea. So that happened.  All of my students and coworkers were asking me all day “What happened to your arm?!” and so I’ve told the story about 50 times at this point. One of the 4th grade teachers told me I should tell the kids it was a bar fight. She said it sounded more badass, and I really must say that I agree with her. But let’s be honest, I don’t feel too badass because in reality *I hit a PARKED CAR*. And there is nothing badass about that.  At all.

So there it is. The 50,000 reason why I really am just a ginormous dork. Laugh to yourself and think “Oh Brittany!” , and then you may carry on with your work. Just thought I’d share.


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