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Archive for March, 2011

A Happy Ending

28/03/2011 1 comment

“We will become a happy ending.”

So i woke up today to a gut that was wrenching and twisting inside me. To say that last night was a rough night would be a gross understatement. The must hilariously ironic part to it all was that yesterday was *such* a good day. That the one would follow the other is typical bizare me.

Yesterday was a beautifully sunny yet chilled day. The three of us got up, went to IHOP for the brother’s birthday, and then came home to pay bills and such. Fun fun, I know. Afterwards, we decided to head out to Fort Collins to tour a brewery. We weren’t able to get into the particular one my brother was interested in, but we found this small little one called Fort Collins Brewery. More on that later.

Before we headed out, we stopped and grabbed coffee, then we set out. It was a beautiful day, like I said, and for some reason I was feeling kinda mixed up. I needed music or something to help me focus my emotions and figure out what was up inside. Chad flipped through his cds, and decided to slip in a Modest Mouse album for our drive. That was the absolute perfect choice. I can’t even tell you what album it was, but it was resonating inside me, song after song. It was perfect. Good coffee, good vibes, good view of the mountains… perfect. I felt at rest and content like I haven’t felt in such a long time.  It was amazing. Wonderful. A moment that you want to press pause and live in for a few weeks, at least.

It’s not that I have been particularly low this winter, and in fact I haven’t gotten as low as I typically do when I lived in Ohio. But I have been struggling some, mostly with the typical stuff everyone deals with after college with bills, jobs, and futures. Nothing too big. On top of that, I’ve been having to really work on reconcilling some of my dreams and plans that I’ve always put hope in with the reality of my life as it is.  Mostly, I’m having to make more of a conscious effort to fight fears and anxiety about my autonomy. While I have never been one to really pursue or put a focus on a romantic relationship, I always had this idea in mind that I’d have that issue settled by the time I was out of college. Well, I don’t.  Which shouldn’t be a big deal, except that the majority of my social… okay the entirity of my social sphere is currently made up of couples. COUPLES. Nothing brings to your conscious mind the fact that you are so very single like being constantly surrounded by couples.  It wouldn’t really be that big of a deal, if it wasn’t for all the other things that have me stressed and stretched so thin. so…

After we left the brewery, at which we took a tour whose guide was incredibly hung-over from the night before, we headed downtown to find some place to eat. Dinner was on me, as it was my brother’s birthday, so we chose BeauJo’s Pizza. Nice place, cool interior, good food.  As we were sitting there talking and eating… I started to feel some of the good stuff from earlier slip out of me. I was starting to feel the discontent and anxiety creeping in.  On the way back, Chad was blaring some old school Switchfoot, and I was trying to grab ahold of some of the good feelings from earlier… attempting to force them to stay. Please stay!! We get home, and it’s not too terribly late, and I knew Chad had gotten a comedy from netflix… so I suggest we watch it. I needed it. It was a pretty good movie… not as funny as I made it out to be while we were watching it. Hey, I was desperate to feel good.  Then it was time for bed.

It was awful. My chest was tight, and it felt as though the very center of it had been blown away with a shot gun, leaving this huge, gaping, raw hole. I was so tired, but couldn’t sleep for the throbbing pain. I know it was all psychological and emotional, but it was too strong, too real to let me sleep. And all I wanted to do was sleep. Instead, I laid there feeling vulnerable, unloved, and alone. I felt fragmented, as though a gust of wind could have just blown me away. It was a moment in which I could clearly feel just how broken and scarred and messed up I really am inside. I wanted to call someone and hear their voice… a real, human voice, but I couldn’t. It was too late, and this is too big for me to share with anyone else. It’d crush them. so I just had to lay there, breathing…praying. I put music on to help soothe my mind, and when it was a little better, I came here to try to type it all out. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t. It was working, until I lost internet connection and therefore the ability to post or even listen to music. So I laid there ’til I fell asleep. So, unsurprisingly, I woke up to a gut that was glenching and twisting inside me. I rushed to get ready for the day, and walked through all the stuff I needed to get done today.

I’ve almost made it,too. Praise God for that, right? I mean, I feel sick to my stomach, and regret the two things I tried to shove into my stomach to soothe it… but I’m…alright. God is so faithful, so subtley faithful to us when we are at our point of greatest need. Today, as I was doing some stuff around the house, a song came on my brother’s ipod. It’s a quiet, almost sad sounding song that was soothing after some of the crazier stuff that had been playing. It’s by a band (that is no more. sad.) called Page France. I don’t remember the verses, but the refrain simply repeats:

“We shall become a happy ending. We shall become a happy ending.”

That broke through to my mind in a way I really needed so badly. We will becoome a happy ending. We will. This spoke to my heart like a promise: “Don’t give up. This too shall pass. You will have a happy ending.” My mind brought up memories of verses like “Never more than we can bare…” and ” For I know the plans I have for you…”. Above all, I heard Elizabeth, the author of Passion and Purity, talking about how God does not give us desires only to unfulfill them. He may not fill them in the ways we expect… but He does not let us suffer. He’s merciful. He will full our hearts with others or with Himself. Either way, He will not let us be alone. I don’t have to be alone. I won’t always be alone. To be honest, I’ve never been alone.  A happy ending.

I know all this. I know healing will one day come, and I will be released from the pain and the blackness that smothers me. And if  I take an honest look back, I can see the healing that has already taken place. Months separate the bad moments, instead of hours. It’s just so hard to see that when you’re in the midst of the darkness and all you feel is the pain. It’s so hard to think of all the love that is surrounding you in those moments. So hard to hope. Happiness is blocked from view.

So…I’m glad God reminded me. Glad that that particular song played to remind me that the struggles we face now are temporary…and that we have a loving, gracious God who wants to bless us…wants to help us. And I know that sometimes the road to healing is long and hard… but God has promised that no matter what the ending looks like… we ALL will become a happy ending.

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“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

The 30 Day Challenge proved to be too much commitment for me.  I’m finally resigning myself to this truth.

So have you ever felt like you were just waiting for your life to begin? As if you were an observer to your own life. Not living it, not the main star of it… just simply there.  As if you were sitting in one place, watching your own life function around, and without, you.  That’s kind of where I currently am finding myself. I’m constently feeling either apathetic or impatient. Part of me is content to wait for things to work out, and the other part of me is so anxious to start my life.  There are so many things I want to do! So many possibilities!

So close, but just out of reach.

I can’t get a career job until I finish school (Master’s degree) and become fully licensed. Really, I should be preparing to finish my last class of my undergraduate, and then be looking into the requirements I will need to fulfill in order to get into a graduate program. Then, I need to set up a plan on how to obtain the necessary experiences and such to make the requirements. Then, I need to figure out how long until I can go to the grad school. Then, I need to find housing and roomates to live with until I can go to grad school…

But right now? I feel tired. Too tired to think about all this. To tired to try to figure anything out. In this moment, I am completely content to think that I will forever be sitting here, on this bed, in this room, typing on this computer. That this moment is it. Mostly, because I’m too tired to think  beyond it.

Moving on is scary. Growing up. making plans, taking steps to fulfill those plans? All terrify me. In many ways, it saddens me. We go through life, starting this and ending that… passing through this person’s life as they pass through ours all as we attempt to find meaning, purpose, and a sense of belonging.

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

Tonight? I’m too tired to plan, too tired to pass through. Tonight, I want to naively believe that thte place I am at and the people that mean so much to me will always be. I want to slow down,stop even, and feel the relaxing and calming lie from childhood that “things are always going to be exatly how they are now.” Because I’m too dang tired to do anything else.

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