Home > Uncategorized > Fall is my favorite season of all

Fall is my favorite season of all

There is a good chance that the title will be the most comprehensible part of this blog post, as I am feeling a bit scattered today.

My mind has been everywhere lately. If my mind was an entity all on it’s own, it would have accumulated hundreds of frequent flyer miles over the past month. As in, enough to get an entire trip for free.  I can’t even say that there is a lot going on around here, because there really isn’t. Not in CO, at least.

In PA, my sister-in-law just gave birth to her fourth child, which is nephew #8 for me.  Cole Wayne.  so for the past few days, I have been thinking about her, and my brother, and all their kids and wishing I could be there with them. I think I have been to every childbirth she has had except this one. But I could be wrong.

In OH, my Ma is getting more and more involved with the local school distrit, which just irriterates my insertion that she really missed her calling as a school teacher. She is awesome at organizing, planning, getting kids excited about work, getting kids to achieve. She also loves kids and youth. She great with advice and offering perspective. Most of all, no matter how stressful the day… if she has spent it with kids, she has this sense of peace and joy that only comes from doing what you were meant to do. It literally glows from her.  So, my mind has been with her, rejoicing with her new found sense of purpose, and laughing with her over the silly things that she hears and sees.

Most of all, my mind has been racing through options for me. I have been here in CO for two months now, and all I have is 2 part time jobs. I have no benefits, won’t get my first paycheck until the end of November, and have only $30 to my name.  I haven’t gotten things completely worked out with the loan companies that I borrowed money from in order to attend college, and probably will not be able to start paying on the loans for a while… which means deferment or filing for economic hardship. Worst of all, this also means I may not be able to help Chad and Jess pay the bills that I am contributing to… at least not for the coming month. And I hate that. I HATE THAT. I do not want to be a leech to someone else. I want to be able to take care of myself. So I don’t know what to do. I’ve applied places, and haven’t heard back. I’ve heard of job openings, and have applied the night that they were posted, and haven’t heard back. It’s getting frustrating to me.  And it’s making me question and worry about so much. Should I stay out here and drain Chad and Jess? Should I just go home, and be hassled and haggled by Ma and Dad until i’m just as beat down as Dad is? what. should. I. do? Was it wrong for me to come out here? Was this really the best idea for me? Am I just being too impatient? Does God really have something out here for me to discover and experience? I don’t know. I really don’t and that terrifies me.

Because of all this stress, I’ve been gorging my mind on tv shows, books and movies. I’ve become obsessive. Like yesterday, when I discovered slam poetry and found myself looking up videos of slam poets and slam competitions. For a couple hours. HOURS.  It’s like my mind is craving distractions from all this stress, and can’t get enough. 

Worst than that, I’ve been reclusive and short with Chad and Jess. I know why. I always do this when I am stressed… I draw away from the people around me. I think part of it is control. I feel so out of control that I pull all myself in… supercontrol the part of my life that I can control, regardless of how it makes the people around me feel. It’s like a survival instinct. And I hate it. I hate treating people that way.

The only good and redeeming thing about this month is that it’s fall. Fall is my favorite season… I love the smells, the tastes, and the looks of fall. It’s beautiful and wonderful. It makes me feel warm and comforted… makes me think of home and childhood. I used to collect caterpillars in the fall. The fuzzy white ones. They were everywhere in my backyard. I would keep them in old gallon ice cream buckets filled with the leaves and grass I found them on. I used to find a leaf that was bowl-shaped and fill it with water so that caterpillar could drink. I still remember the spicy smell that a confined caterpillar has. Everyday, when I’d open the bucket, it would just fill the air. I loved it. Unfortunately, my caterpillars always died once the nights started getting cold. Truthfully, I probably extended their little lives by a bit by keeping them cooped up, but who knows. But I loved catching them. I loved watching the trees change color, and the smell of them burning after we raked them all and took them down the back valley. I love the smell of bonfires and Mr.Walker’s woodstove fire. I love how the air is just cold enough to wear a coat, but not so cold for hats and gloves. I love the return to routine, and kids going off to school. I love pumpkins, and squash… and hot tea and soups and stew and cuddling up with a good book and a warm blanket on the couch. There’s really nothing I don’t like about fall.

 So, I guess in a way it’s providential that I’m having this complete psychological break down in fall. The very season itself keeps me from spiraling out completely.  If I’m honest with myself, I know that things will work out in the end. I know that while I may not have control of my life or finances, but God does. He doesn’t want me to suffer… He’ll give me a way out.  I know that really, the main issue is me. I’m too uncomfortable with being out of control, and too untrusting. It’ll be alright in the end. It always is. I just need to be patient. I just need to sit back and let God have control. I need to remember, and accept, that people want to be around me and it hurts them when I push them away. Really, I need to let myself just enjoy fall.  After all, it is my favorite season of all!

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. 29/10/2010 at 6:13 pm

    I love you and we need to stick together lovely. Praying that you’ll find peace as well!

    • 14/11/2010 at 9:13 pm

      Thank you, Audra. I didn’t even see this comment. And you’re right… we both need to stick together! I’m so thankful for you!! :P

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