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First of the lasts

It’s beginning.

I’m beginning to go through the “lasts” of things here. I had my last day of work this past week. It was pretty anticlimatic. I work in an environment where coming and going isn’t noticed unless it’s in a dramatic, negative, scandalous way. I more or less just informed those in management who needed to know, and then simply walked out at the end of my shift that last day. That’s it. No big deal.

Today, I spent what may or may not end up being my last sunday at the church my parents have gone to for the past 2-3 years, and which I had been attending since being back home. Again, not many were ever informed. The few who knew wished me well… but nothing too meaningful or dramatic.

Two illustrations of one very serious truth in my life: I don’t let the right people close. And I know it. I don’t trust most people, especially if I am just meeting them, and those I have known… well… I’m always on the guard. waiting. waiting for the moment that they realize that I am not worth it, or the moment that they decide that out of some sick fantasy of their own, they are going to start being mean to me. torturing me emotionally. Socially banning me. Isolating me. Like 3-8th grade all over again. 

Wounds always heal. Now they can heal in healthy, good ways… or they can heal in ways that really aren’t good. Broken limbs can “heal” in ways that leave a person crippled for life. But, those limbs be sometimes be rebroken, and set in the appropriate ways and can be restored to something a little closer to normal. sometimes.

Pastor’s message today talked about restoration and healing. Something I oh-so-obviously need. And God has been working on me lately… working on learning to forgive myself and others, and to truly accept His forgiveness, love, and good opinion of me. But He has also been showing me lately how some of the ways I have “healed” myself… some of my “coping strategies” … are very unhealthy. I need to let Him take me back… rebrake some wounds… so He can set them right.

it’s not easy. it’s going to hurt. but I kmow I need this. I know this is right…

because I’m tired of living this way. tired of being the way I am. I try so hard to keep myself closed in…safe. But truly, I am not safe, because of my walls. my protections. As it turns out, the only ones who can really truly get under my defenses are the type of people who will hurt me. But the good people, the people I want so desperately to belong to and to mean something to… they are stuck on the other side of my walls. only thieves and bandits are persistent and rudely arrogent enough to break in. Good people wait outside.

I don’t really know how to explain it better. but I watched a movie last night about a man who had Asperger’s Syndrome. At one of the intense parts of the movie, he is trying to explain to the girl he loves why he wants her to move with him to another city. He gave her logical answers, practical reasons… but she insisted that it wasn’t enough. She needed him to tell her why he needed her. She wanted him to put into words the way he felt about her. And he tried. He really did. And it was oh so hard for him. In the end, he couldn’t adequately verbalize what he was feeling to her. He couldn’t get past his walls. (for medical/psychological purposes. his brain just doesn’t work that way) so she stayed, and didn’t go with him. and at the end of the movie, they were apart. He was alone. I can not express the feeling I had… I turned the movie off and just cried. I sat there crying and hugging a pillow because I know what that feels like. To be so trapped inside yourself that you can’t get out. To want so badly to go and do… to join with others… to connect…. but to be completely incapable of even moving. or thinking. to feel so absolutely alone, like there is no one who is inside those walls with you. no one who truly knows or sees you. to be absolutely alone.

…and I’m tired of it. I want God to rebreak me and put me back together right. I want to be made new. I want to be able to feel like people are really getting inside me, and that they want me inside them. to feel connected in all the healthy, normal, right ways.

so with all the lasts that I’m walking through this next week… maybe I can add another one to the list. May this place (my home, my ex-employer, my  church) be the last place where I actively seek to keep myself away from others. And in this new adventure to Colorado… may I allow God to break me… and reshape me, helping me to discover new, healthy coping techniques and healing patterns, and ultimately new ways to let people in so that I don’t have to be alone or in pain anymore.

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