Home > Uncategorized > hesitation and doubt.

hesitation and doubt.

* in our words we’ve lost so much more than we have ever won.*

so we are about two weeks away from the big moving day.  that is kind of really scary to me.

if people who knew me were to read this, they’d probably be shocked by what I am about to say:  I really hate it when things aren’t going as planned. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen or what to expect. the only time I can deal with the unexpected is when I believe that someone that I can trust is in control. only THEN is it okay with me that I don’t actually know what’s going to happen. I can come across as very “laizzes faire” or “tra-la-la” at times. I can be forgetful and unorganized. but truly, that is because I have lived my life surrounded by people who are fully capable and always have had things under control. so I never had to worry. They took care of it, and I had nothing else to do but go along. Easy going by default, I guess.

but i’m coming  to the point of my life that I need to be the one handling it. I realize this oh so vividly, because those who i’ve always relied on are still very much involved with my life. It’d be easy to just continue along, letting them clear the path for me. But I can’t. i love them… i appreciate all they’ve done for me… but to follow the path they will lay out for me is to ignore me and my passions, desires, and calling. I have a different idea in mind for my future than they do. One that might not be what they feel is best for me. And as hard as it will be to take the machete out of their hands and start to clear my own path… I’ve got to do it. It’s time.  I think we all know it,too.

But I would be lying to say that this will be easy. i’d REALLY be lying to say that i’m not tempted at all by their “direct” and “oppinions” as to what I should do. (Not to say that what they are suggesting is bad! i’m not saying that at all.)

I feel led to go out to CO. I feel as this is the best thing for me, professionally and personally. I’d be an idiot to not see that this is a completely huge risk. I know, and I get that. But this is a risk that I am choosing to take. I’m jumping with my eyes wide open, guys. And trust me, I’ve looked down… I know what this might cost me. But If i’m lucky enough to clear the gorge… if God surprises me by knowing what He was doing all along, then I’ll have made the best decision for me that I could have. THAT possibility is the main thing keeping me strong as a struggle with my fear and apprehension.

All this to say, this isn’t something personal. This isn’t a choice based on favoritism or how I “really” feel about anyone. I wish I could sit down with my family and explain that to them. I love them all. equally. for differing reasons based on who they uniquely are. I admire and disagree with each and everyone of them equally. This isn’t about who I like more or who I want to be around more. This is about opportunity. And the chance to do something that I love and I feel will really benefit me.  If things fall through, I’ll be back to OH… and open to other possibilities. If that happens, please, send your suggestions my way…

but keep this in mind. My heart’s desire isn’t to get the best paying job I can find. yea, I have bills and loans to pay off. but i’m always gonna have bills and loans to pay off. God will handle that, and work that out for me. I truly believe that stressing and making decisions based on money alone is how you get to the place where my parents are, where they obsess and stress over money constantly. I don’t want that. I don’t want to live that way. My heart’s desire is to work with children and youth. I want to help them make sense of what’s going on in their lives, and to teach them how to deal with the bad stuff in a way that makes them stronger, and helps them to be able to succeed at life.  I love both education and psychology, and the way that school social work marries the two together. I want to get my master’s eventually, but in education or adolescent or youth psychology. I am not called to counsel soldiers suffering from PTSD. I am not called to work with old people. Following career opportunities in either of these options might get me a good paying job right now… but will do nothing to bring my closer to what I actually want to do and need more experience doing. I am called to help the youth of our nation find their way in a society that has done it’s best to screw them up as much as possible. Mydream job? School counselor. I’d also like to participate in a sociological study of cultures and subcultures of our youth and young adults, such as the “hipster” movement.( Find a group who will pay a lot to have young people study and gather information about this phenomenon and I will move to wherever i have to to be involved!!) So there. this is what I want to do.

This is why I’m pursuing a job at a school. This is why i’m going to CO.

… i don’t know. This is how it’s been the past week. I’ve been stressing about not having a job or a real “plan” in place for the next month… and dealing with the questions and hurt feelings of family and friends. And I HATE hurting people. Especially the people I love the most.

All I can do is stick to what I believe.. and do my best to follow where I feel God is leading me. Despite all the fear and all the headache… and all the not knowing… that Someone else really is in control. Someone I can trust. The truth is, He has had this under control this whole time. I just keep forgeting that…

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. Amy
    18/08/2010 at 2:01 am

    I’m proud of you BF. And sad to say I was out of the loop enough to not even know about the CO thing until the last few days. What you are going to do does take a lot of bravery, in and of itself, but add in the questions and confusion that it sounds like you are facing from friends and family and the difficulty factor is greatly increased.
    On a side note, I don’t know how much control you had over them, but I love the colors and design on your blog. And I look forward to reading more installments. I’m just a little sad that maybe this blog looks too serious for Moo-moo cartoons.

    • 02/09/2010 at 5:49 pm

      I totally didn’t see this comment!
      Thanks for the understanding and support. I need it. and I hope that this won’t always be a serious blog!! :P hmm, i really like the background, too! but I would also like to figure out a way to design my own… because that would be fun! but… I don’t know enough yet. haha!! :p

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