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The beginnings of a flight


I told Ma in the worst way possible. I started the conversation with: “I’m telling Target that my last day is the 2oth.” Worst opening line ever. I think I broke Ma’s heart, and so she was instantly mad. As I began to backpedal and explain myself… she calmed down some and I saw the error of my method. I don’t want to kill my Ma, but neither do I want to stay here OR keep my brother and his wife waiting. I needed to make up my mind. So I did.  At least I did then. Right now, I am back to being unsure and scared. I don’t want to hurt the ones I love, and I don’t want to cause them to hurt me. ..

 My next steps are going to be faulty at best. I am going to have to make phone calls, and see if I’m even a possibility. I’m going to have to harass my school. I’m going to have to make myself look dumb at work, and mostly… I’m going to have to push forward even though I’m pretty sure I’m killing my mother.

I know I can’t base all my decisions on what they people around me think I should or shouldn’t do. I gotta think for myself… I have to figure out what God and I think is best or at least worth the shot. I have to be strong. It is going to be hard. Leaving here… living here the next few weeks until I leave… trying to find jobs there… all of it. It’s gonna be very difficult. But I have God. And I have a handful of people who support me. (Thank you all and sorry if I get heavy because I’m gonna probably lean a little harder on you than you expected.) This can and will be done.

But right now, tonight… I’m probably going to cry myself to sleep. Just like my Ma will. Tonight is going to be a  hard night. So if you all could… please pray for Ma, Dad, and I tonight. We’re gonna need all the help we can get…


Ps. My last day won’t be the 20th. It”ll be later than that.

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