Archive for August, 2010

summer in the midwest

let's unlock the fence, yea?

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First of the lasts

It’s beginning.

I’m beginning to go through the “lasts” of things here. I had my last day of work this past week. It was pretty anticlimatic. I work in an environment where coming and going isn’t noticed unless it’s in a dramatic, negative, scandalous way. I more or less just informed those in management who needed to know, and then simply walked out at the end of my shift that last day. That’s it. No big deal.

Today, I spent what may or may not end up being my last sunday at the church my parents have gone to for the past 2-3 years, and which I had been attending since being back home. Again, not many were ever informed. The few who knew wished me well… but nothing too meaningful or dramatic.

Two illustrations of one very serious truth in my life: I don’t let the right people close. And I know it. I don’t trust most people, especially if I am just meeting them, and those I have known… well… I’m always on the guard. waiting. waiting for the moment that they realize that I am not worth it, or the moment that they decide that out of some sick fantasy of their own, they are going to start being mean to me. torturing me emotionally. Socially banning me. Isolating me. Like 3-8th grade all over again. 

Wounds always heal. Now they can heal in healthy, good ways… or they can heal in ways that really aren’t good. Broken limbs can “heal” in ways that leave a person crippled for life. But, those limbs be sometimes be rebroken, and set in the appropriate ways and can be restored to something a little closer to normal. sometimes.

Pastor’s message today talked about restoration and healing. Something I oh-so-obviously need. And God has been working on me lately… working on learning to forgive myself and others, and to truly accept His forgiveness, love, and good opinion of me. But He has also been showing me lately how some of the ways I have “healed” myself… some of my “coping strategies” … are very unhealthy. I need to let Him take me back… rebrake some wounds… so He can set them right.

it’s not easy. it’s going to hurt. but I kmow I need this. I know this is right…

because I’m tired of living this way. tired of being the way I am. I try so hard to keep myself closed in…safe. But truly, I am not safe, because of my walls. my protections. As it turns out, the only ones who can really truly get under my defenses are the type of people who will hurt me. But the good people, the people I want so desperately to belong to and to mean something to… they are stuck on the other side of my walls. only thieves and bandits are persistent and rudely arrogent enough to break in. Good people wait outside.

I don’t really know how to explain it better. but I watched a movie last night about a man who had Asperger’s Syndrome. At one of the intense parts of the movie, he is trying to explain to the girl he loves why he wants her to move with him to another city. He gave her logical answers, practical reasons… but she insisted that it wasn’t enough. She needed him to tell her why he needed her. She wanted him to put into words the way he felt about her. And he tried. He really did. And it was oh so hard for him. In the end, he couldn’t adequately verbalize what he was feeling to her. He couldn’t get past his walls. (for medical/psychological purposes. his brain just doesn’t work that way) so she stayed, and didn’t go with him. and at the end of the movie, they were apart. He was alone. I can not express the feeling I had… I turned the movie off and just cried. I sat there crying and hugging a pillow because I know what that feels like. To be so trapped inside yourself that you can’t get out. To want so badly to go and do… to join with others… to connect…. but to be completely incapable of even moving. or thinking. to feel so absolutely alone, like there is no one who is inside those walls with you. no one who truly knows or sees you. to be absolutely alone.

…and I’m tired of it. I want God to rebreak me and put me back together right. I want to be made new. I want to be able to feel like people are really getting inside me, and that they want me inside them. to feel connected in all the healthy, normal, right ways.

so with all the lasts that I’m walking through this next week… maybe I can add another one to the list. May this place (my home, my ex-employer, my  church) be the last place where I actively seek to keep myself away from others. And in this new adventure to Colorado… may I allow God to break me… and reshape me, helping me to discover new, healthy coping techniques and healing patterns, and ultimately new ways to let people in so that I don’t have to be alone or in pain anymore.

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hesitation and doubt.

* in our words we’ve lost so much more than we have ever won.*

so we are about two weeks away from the big moving day.  that is kind of really scary to me.

if people who knew me were to read this, they’d probably be shocked by what I am about to say:  I really hate it when things aren’t going as planned. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen or what to expect. the only time I can deal with the unexpected is when I believe that someone that I can trust is in control. only THEN is it okay with me that I don’t actually know what’s going to happen. I can come across as very “laizzes faire” or “tra-la-la” at times. I can be forgetful and unorganized. but truly, that is because I have lived my life surrounded by people who are fully capable and always have had things under control. so I never had to worry. They took care of it, and I had nothing else to do but go along. Easy going by default, I guess.

but i’m coming  to the point of my life that I need to be the one handling it. I realize this oh so vividly, because those who i’ve always relied on are still very much involved with my life. It’d be easy to just continue along, letting them clear the path for me. But I can’t. i love them… i appreciate all they’ve done for me… but to follow the path they will lay out for me is to ignore me and my passions, desires, and calling. I have a different idea in mind for my future than they do. One that might not be what they feel is best for me. And as hard as it will be to take the machete out of their hands and start to clear my own path… I’ve got to do it. It’s time.  I think we all know it,too.

But I would be lying to say that this will be easy. i’d REALLY be lying to say that i’m not tempted at all by their “direct” and “oppinions” as to what I should do. (Not to say that what they are suggesting is bad! i’m not saying that at all.)

I feel led to go out to CO. I feel as this is the best thing for me, professionally and personally. I’d be an idiot to not see that this is a completely huge risk. I know, and I get that. But this is a risk that I am choosing to take. I’m jumping with my eyes wide open, guys. And trust me, I’ve looked down… I know what this might cost me. But If i’m lucky enough to clear the gorge… if God surprises me by knowing what He was doing all along, then I’ll have made the best decision for me that I could have. THAT possibility is the main thing keeping me strong as a struggle with my fear and apprehension.

All this to say, this isn’t something personal. This isn’t a choice based on favoritism or how I “really” feel about anyone. I wish I could sit down with my family and explain that to them. I love them all. equally. for differing reasons based on who they uniquely are. I admire and disagree with each and everyone of them equally. This isn’t about who I like more or who I want to be around more. This is about opportunity. And the chance to do something that I love and I feel will really benefit me.  If things fall through, I’ll be back to OH… and open to other possibilities. If that happens, please, send your suggestions my way…

but keep this in mind. My heart’s desire isn’t to get the best paying job I can find. yea, I have bills and loans to pay off. but i’m always gonna have bills and loans to pay off. God will handle that, and work that out for me. I truly believe that stressing and making decisions based on money alone is how you get to the place where my parents are, where they obsess and stress over money constantly. I don’t want that. I don’t want to live that way. My heart’s desire is to work with children and youth. I want to help them make sense of what’s going on in their lives, and to teach them how to deal with the bad stuff in a way that makes them stronger, and helps them to be able to succeed at life.  I love both education and psychology, and the way that school social work marries the two together. I want to get my master’s eventually, but in education or adolescent or youth psychology. I am not called to counsel soldiers suffering from PTSD. I am not called to work with old people. Following career opportunities in either of these options might get me a good paying job right now… but will do nothing to bring my closer to what I actually want to do and need more experience doing. I am called to help the youth of our nation find their way in a society that has done it’s best to screw them up as much as possible. Mydream job? School counselor. I’d also like to participate in a sociological study of cultures and subcultures of our youth and young adults, such as the “hipster” movement.( Find a group who will pay a lot to have young people study and gather information about this phenomenon and I will move to wherever i have to to be involved!!) So there. this is what I want to do.

This is why I’m pursuing a job at a school. This is why i’m going to CO.

… i don’t know. This is how it’s been the past week. I’ve been stressing about not having a job or a real “plan” in place for the next month… and dealing with the questions and hurt feelings of family and friends. And I HATE hurting people. Especially the people I love the most.

All I can do is stick to what I believe.. and do my best to follow where I feel God is leading me. Despite all the fear and all the headache… and all the not knowing… that Someone else really is in control. Someone I can trust. The truth is, He has had this under control this whole time. I just keep forgeting that…

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The beginnings of a flight


I told Ma in the worst way possible. I started the conversation with: “I’m telling Target that my last day is the 2oth.” Worst opening line ever. I think I broke Ma’s heart, and so she was instantly mad. As I began to backpedal and explain myself… she calmed down some and I saw the error of my method. I don’t want to kill my Ma, but neither do I want to stay here OR keep my brother and his wife waiting. I needed to make up my mind. So I did.  At least I did then. Right now, I am back to being unsure and scared. I don’t want to hurt the ones I love, and I don’t want to cause them to hurt me. ..

 My next steps are going to be faulty at best. I am going to have to make phone calls, and see if I’m even a possibility. I’m going to have to harass my school. I’m going to have to make myself look dumb at work, and mostly… I’m going to have to push forward even though I’m pretty sure I’m killing my mother.

I know I can’t base all my decisions on what they people around me think I should or shouldn’t do. I gotta think for myself… I have to figure out what God and I think is best or at least worth the shot. I have to be strong. It is going to be hard. Leaving here… living here the next few weeks until I leave… trying to find jobs there… all of it. It’s gonna be very difficult. But I have God. And I have a handful of people who support me. (Thank you all and sorry if I get heavy because I’m gonna probably lean a little harder on you than you expected.) This can and will be done.

But right now, tonight… I’m probably going to cry myself to sleep. Just like my Ma will. Tonight is going to be a  hard night. So if you all could… please pray for Ma, Dad, and I tonight. We’re gonna need all the help we can get…


Ps. My last day won’t be the 20th. It”ll be later than that.

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