It is crazy how life works sometimes.

how you can meet someone that breaks your heart, and then fixes it for you. Someone you can piss off with your insecurites and fears one moment, yet tell you he likes your brand of crazy a little while later… after you’ve calmed down. Someone who has seen you in your crampy, crazy, moody week of the month and still call you sexy and gorgeous. Someone who understands your views on God, religion, and the future… and still hasn’t run off.

someone who lives in another country, and you can’t figure out when/how you’ll end up together. someone who makes you feel like you are just crazy enough about to be willing to drop everything and fly to them… to stay with them. To take the biggest risk of all, just because it’s with them and therefore totally worth it.

It’s crazy how life can be sometimes.

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How to Say Goodbye

15/04/2013 1 comment

I have friends who just recently ended a year-long relationship. He had been picking out rings, she had been planning the ceremony. One day, they sat down and had a serious discussion about desires for the future and each other’s “5 year” plan. That discussion turned into a weekend, which turned into a break up. They ended it.
Did they not love each other anymore? No. They still love each other now. Did they have some sort of hurtful breaking of trust or confidence? No. Not exactly.
They broke up because their goals for the future were too different, and from where they are sitting now, they could not see a way for these differing goals to coordinate. They couldn’t exactly figure out the future, so they broke up.
My initial reaction was one of complete shock. I was stunned! They were lucky enough to even find love, a love that seemed so deep and secure, and yet they ended up separated. How? How could they bear it? How could they give it all up over something as undefined as the future? Isn’t love strong enough, good enough, just plain enough to inspire you to facedown an uncertain future with hands clasped together?
I am a romantic at heart. I try to cover it up. I try to shield my romantic and therefore sensitive heart behind “reality”, sarcasm, and a general expecting the worst so that it doesn’t hurt as much when it is all that happens. I have had enough heart breaks to know that life doesn’t always go the way you plan and dream. I’m level-headed enough to realize that no, love is not all you need.
I sort of know what it’s like… that sinking feeling of caring for someone and seeing nothing but uncertainty ahead. I am currently at the place where I have found an amazing guy, someone I am more than willing to fall completely and desperately hard after… but he lives far away. Too far for us to feel like we are an actual dating couple… yet it’s all there. The potential. The desire. Even similar goals/beliefs/dreams. We can easily envision being together, falling in love, etc. But we both know that any drastic commitments would be unwise. We need life to coordinate so that we can spend sometime being an actual, go-out-on-dates, can physically be with each other, couple. To really be with each other… make sure we really know each other. It is the one thing holding us back. Distance. Time. Life. And it is terrifying. And at times, it seems hopeless. Like life has played a cruel joke on us.
Yet, I can’t shake this hope. As realistic as I try to be, I can’t break myself from the belief that if I just love enough, hold on and hope enough, wait patiently enough… that things will coordinate and work out. I have no idea how/if/when I will be able to live near my guy. Life, currently, has being tossing the possibilities for him and I around. There have been hopeless moments, followed by moments of such clarity, certainty. And it has not been easy.
So, part of me can really understand my friend and her ex. It is terrifying, overwhelming, and defeating to look at the future and see nothing but a separation of paths. But the thing about the future is that it is fluid. Always changing, developing, and twisting the path ahead so that we can’t actually see where it’s going.
So, isn’t it giving in to defeat to give up because of the future? Isn’t that too sad, to end a love just because we aren’t God and can’t know for certain where we will go? Why do we as humans put so much stock in our own abilities to plan and formulate our futures, when the reality is the future is not something we can control or order to completion?
I just don’t know.
When do we let go, and when do we cling desperately to hope? And can love and commitment to the dream you’ve built with someone be enough to sustain a union against time, distance, and uncertainty?
Is it better to end things, and walk away… even with love still in your heart? Or will it pay off more in the end to hold on, and remain strong through the ups and downs of life until things finally sort themselves out?
When is it time to hold on and patiently wait, and when is it time to say goodbye

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You’ll probably never read this.

And it’s better that way, really. I probably should never tell you these things. I should probably not let myself feel this way. Only the end will tell.

I don’t even know how we started, or if we ever really did. You were the one who got away, and I was just an option. The only marriage-able one. 

To be honest? You weren’t much more to me at first. You were a past revisited, and a distraction from a crush that could never quite coordinate into love. I was the past, as well, and a distraction from a love you never completely gave up on. 

What we had was a weekend. A Christmas spent in the bedroom together so that neither of us had to spend it alone. It was something that could just as easily be nothing. That was the beauty of it. 

But reality, and the voice of reason… and just maybe a little of the morals we were raised to have, came crashing in. We had to scramble to make our nothing be a defined something.

I’m not sure either of us knew if we wanted that or not. We still don’t. 

At first, you were so eager. So sweet and attentive. You really seemed like you wanted it to work… you gave me hope that we could mean something, some day. 

But I was so scared, so hesitant at first. I convinced myself that I was going to end up the one hurting you… breaking your heart. 

I don’t know how it happened… but the tables turned. 

Our second weekend together came. We both were trying, both wanting something. But as the weekend drew to a close, I felt the realization wash over me… freezing me. I was deeper in than you. 

I curled in a corner of that well-used bed and watched you sleep… and cried. Cried because I clearly saw the ending. Cried because of how simply watching you sleep made me feel. Cried because I knew then that what I had taken as you “trying”, was a well-polished show that you have perfected.

The saddest thing is, you may not even know it. 

I knew then that when this ends, I would be the one with a broken heart. 

All I wanted was to get over another guy. All I wanted was to be seen as someone who was worth it. All I have ever wanted is to be good enough to be loved… not just for a while, but for all of life. 

I walked into this with my eyes wide open. I knowingly played the fool. I never wanted anything to come of this… until I did. And I’m not sure if you ever did.

But the fact is? It’s too late. 

There’s nothing left to do but watch. Watch as you drift farther away. Watch as a better option comes your way. Watch as you move across the world and I’m stuck in this place.

Because I’m too far gone to do anything to stop it. I’m too far gone to try to fight you. I’m too afraid of ruining the “nothing” we have together, for fear that it will drive you away that much sooner. 

“Everybody plays the fool sometimes. And if I have to, I don’t mind…”

But let it be known: I love you. I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know why I could be so stupid to let it. But I love you. 

You’ll move on, and find someone else. Or maybe return to that someone else. I”ll move on and go somewhere else. Maybe I’ll find someone else for me,too. 

Hopefully, you’ll never know this. hopefully, we’ll both look back at this as that one time… those two weekends. 

hopefully, you’ll be like me… and never be able to forget our two weekends. And all the nothing that we shared. 

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Love and Growing Up

The electricity. The tension of wondering if they even know who you are, and the thrill of the fleeting moment when your eyes meet. The longing, the magic and wonder that overwhelms your entire body as you dream of what may be… what could happen. The power, the magic that comes from that kiss that you’ve been wanting and dreaming of for weeks. The way certain songs could make you feel, the meaning they could take. The hope of what could be and how amazing it all will be… someday. 

… is there a particular age when this all disappears? I want to know the specific day and time that love loses it’s magic. If I knew that, then I could warn my little brothers and sisters. Not every kiss is going to create fireworks. Not every touch will send a thrill through your entire body. Not everyone falls into love. Love isn’t a cliff you dive off from, falling in a whirlwind of sensations and magic. 

Yet… in a way, it’d be cruel to burst that bubble. I would hate to become the mean lady to killed the dreams of every kid 13 and up around me. How else do you get through the horrors of middle school without those amazing and all-consuming first loves and crushes? What would high school be without all the ups and downs and unneeded drama of dating? 

so I guess it’s best that they don’t know… they we don’t know the specifics of when the magic dies. It’s better to embrace it fully, believing that it is the reality… the way love feels forever and ever. 

No one wants to think at 15 that they are going to end up 25 and in a relationship that is lonely, easy to fake, and decisively unmagical. 


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I’d rather not sleep through September, thanks.

I have never disagreed with the lyrics “Wake me up when September ends” more than I do right now.

I am going to love September. It’s only part way through August, and I can already tell this. I am so very excited for school to start. Honestly? I work with the most amazing people and will be working with some really rad kids, so I am so very excited for this school year to start.

I’m not as niave as it may seem. I know that it’s going to be tough. There are coming days when I will feel as though these wonderful children are driving me insane. I am going to have conflict with these amazing people whose team I’m on. But I am going to not let that destroy how I feel today.

I got to spend roughly 45 mins playing basketball with a 5th grader today. I am proud to say that he, who is fairly good at sports, actually had to work to keep up. I mean, I still beat him in 21 about 3 games to 2. And I beat him in horse. And Around the World. Not that I’m bragging or anything. :P But it was the most fun I’ve had in a while. I am usually very much an introvert, and being around people usually tires me out… no matter how much I enjoy those people. But children/ jr. highers change all of that. I can spend hours with kids and weird/awkward/ totally awesome jr. highers and actually walk away in a better mood and with more energy. It’s like they “cure” my introversion. Or reverse it.  I don’t know… I just know that I love being around them. Even though I was very hot and sweaty, I had so much fun today. I only stopped when I did because my boss summoned me for a meeting. How long has it been since I engaged in an actively that I had to literally be torn away from?

Needless to say, I am very much looking forward to this year. I am feeling much better, much more comfortable at this school. I definitely feel connected and maybe even a little confident here.  Today, one of the girls that I had worked with last year came running up to me as I was walking in and gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. Ugh!! Melted my heart!! I can’t wait to see our girls again, and meet the new kids tomorrow and tuesday. Dani’s exuberance just got me all excited for the kids coming in. I can honestly say that I have not been this excited for school since I was in elementary school. It’s the greatest thing ever.

I don’t know how long this state of mind will last… but I’m hoping for a while. :P

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I liken me to a nervous little hummingbird.

Honestly, it’s fitting. I’m sitting here at the kitchen table fidgeting for no good reason. I am suddenly finding myself with a whole lot of free-time/alone time and I feel as though I am going to lose my effing mind.

In a week, I know that I will be greatly wishing for more alone/free time as I will have started up my new job and be as busy as my little hearat desires. But that’s a week away.

I am not a patient person. So I am sitting here quite literally shaking with energy. I am so very weird.  Truely, I probably should be medicated. Or something.


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Welcome to the Circus

Sitting on the back porch, rocking in the rocking chair with nothing better to do, staring out at the back valley and the woods, watching the bats and lightning bugs dance with each other across the patched of clear colbalt blue in the sky… it can’t get better than this. Everything is familiar; everything is a memory. The feeling of seclusion that the trees bring felt nice as I ran down good ole Cnty Rd 78 today… better known as Fangboner Rd. The odd mixture of scented oil, litter, and musty basement comforted me as a drifted to sleep last night. Every creek of door and stair, every hum of fan and humidifier already memorized and anticipated. I listen for the sqeeking of the dryer, knowing that means someone has once again over-filled it. I hear the rattling as the humidifier kicks back on and complains about it to the old furnace. I readjust my computer as Kiki comes knocking into it, hoping to distract me from my typing so I can pet her, since my parents prefer not to.

Nothing is new, nothing surprises me. Every motion is anticipated and foreknew. It’s comfort and safety. It’s home.

Even with everyone here, and the deafening noise of 10 kids playing, laughing, and screaming together… I can still hear it. My memories of a smaller and different set of kids and teenagers running through these halls, playing games and growing up. Once vivid, these memories have long been echoes of a different life. The 8 years I spent as the only child in the house have changed these bright remembrances of times past into sad little pins that prick holes in any joy or happiness I felt, leaving even my brightest moments a little darkened by the shadows seeping through. Though filled with so much life…this house still feels like a tomb.

It’s a strange dichotomy. This house brings me so much comfort and security, at the same time making me feel a bit lonely and left behind. It’s the place I can’t wait to come back to, yet must always leave.

so how do I explain this to the ones I am leaving behind and coming back to?

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